


The Neighbors Song - After

by TheodoreR



Series: The Neighbors Song [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Liam still hates everyone (except his boyfriend), M/M, Theo still can't sing, Theo still sings anyway, background Morey and Nett
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2019-10-06 18:56:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17350733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheodoreR/pseuds/TheodoreR
Summary: The Neighbors Song. Two months later.It's Christmas time, pretty lights color every corner of the city and everyone is in a good mood.“He won’t. Stop.Singing.”...well, noteveryone.__________________________Three months later.Just like all the good things in life, Theo is leaving him.“Please Theodore,don’t”Liam lets out a pained whine, tightening his grip as Theo struggles to get free.“Come on Liam, I’m going to be late, just let me-”“Don’t go, please,” Merciless, Theo gives a particularly successful tug and Liam has to use all his limbs and go in full octopus mode to keep him from sneaking out of bed. “Just tell them you’re sick, okay? It’s not even a lie, only sick people use coasters.”





	1. The Christmas Song

**Author's Note:**

> How are you guys reading this just now? I posted it ages ago, perfectly in time for Christmas, as one does, but you’re always late, unbelievable! The disrespect is _strong_ in this fandom.  
> ...fine fine, I’m the one who’s late, but I started to hate everything halfway through it and I coulnd't force myself to finish it. You can probably tell by how bad it turned out, but there are some parts here and there that I like, so... 
> 
> (For those who haven’t read [The Neighbors Song](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15499173/chapters/35980773), you can still read this not because it’ll make sense but because I’m not your real mother and I can’t tell you what to do. What I can do on the other hand is giving you a very detailed summary of what you missed: Theo can’t sing, Liam throws beetles at him, they fall in love – not in this order. That's it.  
> Oh, almost forgot: it _really_ didn’t need a Christmas Special, I apologize.)
> 
> Am I sorry for making this almost 10.000 words, each one more useless than the other one? Very.  
> Will I re-read it before posting it to correct all the typos and stuff? Hell no. But if you'll point them out to me I'll give you gratitude.  
> Happy not Christmas!

__

 

“Hello, who is this?”

“He won’t. Stop. _Singing.”_

“Liam? Is that you? Whose number is this?”

“I’m calling you from a phone box. Listen Mase, I don’t know what to do. He-”

“Why are you...where is your phone?”

“I threw it against a wall, that’s not the point. I need your help, Mase. I’m going crazy.”

“I know, you’ve been doing that since I met you.”

“ _All day._ Every single day. From the second he opens his eyes until he goes to sleep. And even then it’s not safe. You’d think he needs to be awake to do it, but _oh,_ you’re in for a surprise.”

“Am I in for a subject and some context too maybe?”

“Did you know that Last Christmas actually has other words after the chorus _?_ Like, a _lot_ of words? Who the hell knows all the words in Last Christmas? Who, Mase, _who?”_

“Theo, I’m guessing.”

“And me! Me too now! How could I not know them when he never fucking _stops_ singing! He doesn’t even need to knock on my door anymore, I just know he’s coming because I can hear him from the stairs, on the top of his lungs, _Laaast Christmas I give you my heart but the ver-”_

“Liam, stop singing.”

“It’s either this or crying, Mason.”

“I do think you should cry sometimes.”

“I spent two hours in the shower this morning plotting a way to hurt his tongue so he couldn’t sing anymore. I’m _so_ close to headbutt him in the mouth every time I see him, _so_ close.”

“I swear to God, Liam, if you’ll ever call me to say that you headbutted your boyfriend-”

“We are constantly having sex, you know? Because that’s the only time he stops with the Christmas songs. And I mean it, constantly. I’m afraid my dick will fall-”

“Okay, listen, I’m sure Th- no, wait-”

“Hello Liam, I’m Corey. Me and Mason, we don’t constantly have sex sadly, but right now we are trying to, so you’ll have to survive to your boyfriend being in a Christmas mood on your own, bye.”

“What? Don’t you dare hang up on me you little sh-hello? _Hello?”_

 

 

It’s Christmas, everyone is happy and Liam doesn’t have a single friend in the world. Fuck his life.

“Hey little Grinch, what’s up with the pouting?”

Liam is about to walk upstairs when Theo steps out of his flat, all wrapped up in his puffer coat, beanie and scarf. He seems convinced leaving the house means stepping right into the middle of Alaska lately.

“Mason just hung up on me.” He mutters bitter, lingering  on the first step until Theo reaches him and tries to suffocate him with all his unnecessary layers of fabric and wool.

“Rude.” He offers and he’s lucky he smells so good because that’s the only reason Liam is willing to eat his scarf just to be hugged right now. “I’m going out to buy some more decorations for my door, you coming?”

“Did Mrs Jenkins challenged you again?” Liam asks glancing back towards the old witch’s door, completely covered in Christmas wreaths and colored lights.

“Yeah, look, she keeps adding stuff” Theo rolls his eyes annoyed. He’s weirdly competitive about this whole Christmas thing. “You can’t even see her door anymore, mine are so much better.”

“Can’t we just take some of hers?”

“We are not stealing our neighbour’s Christmas decorations, Liam.”

“I’m not saying we _steal_ them, just that we throw them away so she doesn’t have more than you.”

“We are not.” Theo repeats and then he pecks Liam’s lips because he’s convinced that somehow closes every argument. “So, you coming?”

Putting foot inside a mall at any time of the year is not on Liam’s list of acceptable behaviours because of all the people and the shopping and let’s not start with _the children_ , but doing that in the already trying period of Christmas holidays is the equivalent of suicide, and Liam plans on testing the product until the very end before writing his prolix two stars review on life.

“I’m good here, thanks.”

“Okay.” Theo sighs dramatically, hugging him tighter. “I’ll miss you.”

“Yeah, me too, send me a postcard from the mall at the other side of the street.” Liam hugs him back because it doesn’t matter how sappy and disgusting it is, after two months he’s become a pro at this boyfriend thing. “Also, I’m out of skittles.”

“Good, they’re bad for you” Theo says and it doesn’t sound like the ‘ _I’ll buy you some, my love’_ that Liam was expecting, but now he’s been kissed again and that actually closes every argument even if he hates to admit it. “Oh hey,” Theo doesn’t go far before turning back, his hand reaching in his pockets until he finds his keys. “Can you wait at my place and turn on the oven since you’re here? But don’t steal the potatoes.”

Liam scoffs loudly taking the keys. That was a _onetime_ thing and he just wanted to know if raw potatoes taste as good as cooked potatoes. They do not.

The door closes behind Theo and Liam immediately gets to work, removing as many Christmas lights as he can before Mrs Jenkins’ evil chihuaua starts barking at him from inside, forcing him to the retreat.

He’s trying to make Theo’s weird keys work when two pair of despicable footsteps come from upstairs. 

“Are you breaking in?” An even more despicable voice immediately questions him and Liam makes a point not to turn back. “Look Brett, he’s breaking in, we should call Deaton.”

“I have the keys, asshole.” He mutters finally managing to unlock the door.

“The keys?” Another, just equally despicable voice, intervenes. “Are you two losers living together now?”

“Okay, first of all, don’t call Theodore a loser or I’ll strangle you with these Christmas lights.” Liam says very calmly turning to face Brett. Well, his chest, since he’s infuriatingly tall. How he and Nolan are even able to kiss is a mystery honestly, but that’s probably why they like each other, their heads are so far away they can’t hear all the bullshits they say. “And second of all, where I live doesn’t concern you, you’re not taking my flat anyway, I’ll _die_ before I let you two overgrown cockroaches expand your territory inside this building. You hear me? I’ll die!”

“It look like someone is still bitter we won the Risk condominium tournament, like every year.” Nolan giggles smugly and Liam turns to glare at him ready to put him in his place as well, except his eyes get distracted by something red and glowing on his head.

“Why is he wearing a Christmas hat?” He asks Brett because he refuses to speak to the little shit directly. “Because it’s Christmas, _duh.”_ Nolan says and then he’s pressing the white fluffy ball on his head between his fingers _. Last Christmas_ immediately starts playing from his hat and Liam runs for his life, slamming Theo’s door behind him just before being hit in the face by the notes.

He pants heavily with his back against the wood, slowly slipping down on the floor. Those crazy assholes just tried to kill him and he doesn’t even have a phone to call the police.

 

***

 

Raw potatoes still taste awful and Theo is taking forever at the mall.

The worst thing is that Liam can’t even call to ask him if he’s supposed to do something else now that he turned on the oven, like for example turning it off at some point, and also, that’s a lie, the actual worst thing is that Theo won’t ever shut up again after spending so much time in a place full of speakers reproducing Christmas songs in loop, imprinting them in his brain even more than they already are. Liam will just have to break up with him as soon as possible, there’s no other solution, and then they’ll get back together after the holidays. No way Theo will find someone else while constantly singing anyway, so no worries about that.

Just as the chicken starts to smell more like ashes than something edible, the bell finally rings and Theo’s strident voice is not already attacking his ears from the other side of the door, so maybe, just maybe, Liam will keep him as a boyfriend for at least another day. If he quits the rap delusion, that is. One thing is the dying cat in his throat when he sings, but a dying cat trying to rap is just too much.

“Fucking finally, I thought you got hired as Santa Kla-oh. Hi.”

Turns out the only reason Theo is not singing already is that Theo is not there at all. Instead, a woman is.

“Err, hi.” She says and she seems almost as dumbfounded as Liam to be there. “Isn’t this Theodore’s apartment?”

“Yes, I’m Theodore, nice to meet you. Who are you?” Liam doesn’t know why he said that he’s Theo. He’s not Theo, he’d be eating disgusting green stuff all day if he was and no thanks, but there’s a woman in front of him and it’s not Deaton’s daughter nor Brett’s sister, who are the only female visitors Liam ever saw in the building, since nobody ever wants to visit all the other horrible people living there, and that is weird, so Liam is allowed to be weird as well.

“I’m Theodore’s mum” She says and Liam made a terrible mistake, he should have never been allowed to be weird, he should have never been allowed in Theo’s flat or on the planet for what matters.

“Oh. Nice to meet you,” He repeats uncertain, considering his options. Can holding his breath until he faints be the way out of this? His inner Mason says no. “Mum.”

“I’m not your mother, honey.”

Liam _know_ s that, but he feels so offended by her pointing it out so directly, like, where are her manners? That’s not something you can just throw in people’s faces, especially not at Christmas, when everyone is supposed to be nice and not denying you a parental figure.

“Well, I’m saying I’m Theodore and you’re saying you’re Theodore’s mother, so if you’re suddenly _not_ my mother then one of us is lying” Liam recaps smugly, crossing his arms, because he’s not going down without a fight: this is his territory and if this woman doesn’t want to be his mother she’ll have to try harder than that. But then she’s staring at him with a pair of very familiar, stunning green eyes and Liam suddenly realises that this is the very same woman that gave him Theo –well, she didn’t _gave_ him to him, he just went and took him, but he couldn’t have taken him if she didn’t make him first, so fighting her is the last thing he’s supposed to do now. “It’s me, _I_ lied, I’m not Theodore.” He adds bowing his head in submission.

“Shocking.” Her lips, full and naturally red, are totally Theo’s lips and that’s when Liam starts to panic. This woman he just lied to and that probably thinks he’s a robber or something literally _shot_ the only joy in his life out of her vagina and Liam is doing the opposite of a good impression on her right now.

 “I’m not a thief.” He blurts out quickly. He needs to make it better before she decides to take Theo back. She created him and she can destroy him at any time. “Theo knows I’m here. He gave me the keys. For the oven.” His mouth is doing the thing where he can only spits out a few words, each time less, before it shuts close and _fuck his inner Mason_ , holding his breath and fainting is the only way out of this tragedy.

The woman raises his brows in the same sceptical way Theo always raises his brows and Liam’s head starts to spin. “The oven? Are you a mechanic?”

“Yes. Actually, no, I’m a Liam.” Honesty always makes a good impression on people. “Nice to meet you. Dunbar, that’s my name. My surname, that is, the name is Liam. Liam Dunbar. Dunbar Liam if you wish.” Liam clears his voice, hiding his hands in his pockets so she can’t even think about shaking them. He’s not ready for that level of commitment just yet. His head keeps spinning. “Me and your son, we...” He clears his voice again, trying to find the words that will make the better impression on her. He doesn’t want the easy way out, just throwing the word _boyfriend_ at her. Everyone can say they’re Theo’s boyfriend, he needs to show her that he actually is, by throwing _facts_. Telling her the things they do and characterise their relationship, like going to the movies and criticize them out loud, going to dates and holding hands everywhere they go because Theo is a sap just like that. “We, you know, at the movies, at the restaurants and everywhere, we...we have sex. _Shit_.” Finally regaining control over his brain, Liam runs back inside and his inner Mason immediately agrees that slamming the bathroom door behind him and jumping out of the window is the only reasonable course of action, so he does just that.

 

It probably wasn’t the _only_ way.

 

***

 

 

Liam is so mad at Scott right now.

Dogs are supposed to have all these weird supernatural powers that let them know when you’re sad because life gives you nothing but pain, and it’s not like Liam is being exactly subtle right now, he has been sitting there on the floor against the door for almost twenty minutes commiserating himself, but Scott just keeps scampering around wriggling his little tail, completely unaware of the fact that they’re living a Christmas tragedy.

“Scott!” He growls with his most authoritative voice. Time to teach his dog a new command. “Scott, _sad!”_

Scott’s tail keeps moving in his happy dance as he stares defiant at Liam from the couch and Liam immediately gives up, because he can’t move from his spot on the floor and there’s no way he’ll be able to teach Scott how to be sad without food. Scott does nothing for nothing.

“Scott, _biscuit_.” He says because that on the other hand is a word Scott already knows and it’s the only way Liam has to get some love from his dog right now.

It is not.

Scott tilts his head to the side and throws him a long, suspicious stare but doesn’t make a move towards him, because Liam tried to fool him with inexistent biscuits too many times to still be trusted.

The world is full of people that have it worst than him, Mason always repeats that, but Liam can’t even trick his dog into loving him, so Mason has clearly no idea what he’s talking about. And how could he, when Corey’s parents are both _dead?_ Buried under feet of hard soil instead of attacking him with no warning whatsoever? All the fortunes to other people, always.

Scott is now digging very passionately into a pillow and Liam briefly considers crawling to the couch and hugging his dog against his will, extorting some well deserved love out of that ungrateful sausage, but moving his back from the door seems to risky. All the embarrassment he left outside is waiting just that in order to force his way into the safety of his home.

“Liam.”

Exactly.

“Yes?”

Scott is whining in excitement right next to him now, because of course he has plenty of love to give to _Theo_ , the little traitor, but opening the door, or even just moving from the floor, is not on Liam’s list of things to do, so joke’s on him.

“My mum told me she met you.”

And here it goes the last hope that it was all a dream.

“Mh-mh.”

It’s not a yes, it’s not a no, it’s nothing that can be used against him in a court room.

“And that you told her that we have sex everywhere and then you jumped out of the window.”

Oh, so she’s one of those people. Always talking behind other people’s back, even when you just met them. She should be ashamed of herself.

“That wasn’t me.”

Lying at Christmas is very bad apparently, which makes it super easy because nobody expects you to do it.

“So if I bring you downstairs now to introduce you to my mum she’s not going to recognize you as the guy that escaped through my window five minutes ago?”

Then again, Liam can’t even fool his dog whose brain is smaller than a tennis ball, let alone his annoyingly smartass boyfriend.

“How am I supposed to know that, uh?” Liam scoffs. “I can’t predict the future, Theodore. I’m not a magician.”

Theo stays silent for a while because Liam is not, in fact, a magician, even if there was that one time when he dreamt about Deaton bothering him for his two months late rent and then it actually happened, but that’s no prophecy, just Deaton being his greedy predictable self, always asking for money, every single month.

“Can you at least open the door, even if you’re not a magician?” Theo says eventually and Liam jumps on his feet.

“Alohomora!” Liam is very happy with himself for the entirety of two seconds after he opened the door, but Theo doesn’t look impressed. He’s staring at him with his giant green eyes, the same eyes that on the wrong face made Liam jump through a window, and they’re silently telling him all sort of rude things.

“She wasn’t supposed to be there!” Liam blurts out. “I panicked!”

Theo sighs and Liam considers for a second that he might be mad for the whole _I told your mother we have sex in public places_ thing _,_ which would be ridiculous anyway because Liam is not responsible in any way of what his mouth does while under surprise attacks, but then Theo is smiling and lightly booping his nose with his index. “Hey, it’s okay, they’re going to love you.”

Liam’s nose is _not_ to be touched like that and he would tell Theo, but something else caught his concerns now. _They?_ “How many mothers do you have, Theodore?”

“Just two. I mean, one is my father.”

“Oh my god” Liam takes a step back, his hands flying to his hair in panic. “Your father’s here too. Why is this happening?”

“They made me a surprise.”

“They made _me_ a surprise! A surprise attack!”

Theo rolls his eyes. “Nobody attacked you, don’t be dramatic.”

“I’ve been under attack all day!” Liam protests heatedly because there are very few things in the world he’s not dramatic about (like global warming, they’re all going to die, so what? At least Deaton will stop pestering him about rent when they’re dead) and this isn’t one of them. “You know what asshole and more asshole did earlier? First, they _talked_ to me-”

“Tragic.”

“And as if that didn’t already ruined my day, more asshole was wearing a stupid red hat reproducing Christmas songs and he used it against me! And I barely survived just to open the door later and find your eyes on a woman’s face. Now tell me in what universe this isn’t being under attack, I dare y-”

Theo doesn’t tell Liam that, because how could he, when Liam has all the reasons in this like in every other situation. What Theo does, instead, is attacking him too. With his lips.

“Calm down.” He intimates slowly after concluding his kissing attack, but also still attacking him with the excessive proximity. “We need to go back downstairs.”

Now, _that_ is a thing Liam doesn’t need in his life.

“Not going downstairs ever again” He shakes his head firm. “I live here now.”

“I know you do, that’s how we met.” Theo thinks he’s so cunning, trying to win this by being a smartass, but the only way he’ll be able to drag Liam downstairs is for Liam to be a lifeless cold body. Then he’ll gladly leave his apartment for the morgue because it doesn’t matter what he did to the Christmas tree Deaton had put in the hall, he still doesn’t deserve to spend his afterlife in this hell of a condominium. Deaton should know better than to buy not fireproof trees anyway.

“I’ll never walk out of that door on my legs again. You’ll have to bring me food here every day.”

“I already do that.”

That’s not true, more often than not Liam is the one going downstairs to steal Theo’s food, but this still works.

“Perfect, see? It’s settled then.”

“Fine.” Theo sighs and then he’s attacking him again because that’s all people do today, grabbing his knees and throwing Liam on his back like a bag of potatoes. A bag of very angry potatoes.

“Don’t you _fucking_ dare! You better put me down right now Theodore or else-”

“You said not on your legs.” Theo dares, stepping out of the door and towards the stairs, forcing Liam to grab the jambs with both hands. “You said nothing about mine.”

“I’m saying it now, I’m saying that I will cut your ligaments and play bowling with your kneecaps if you don’t put me down immediately.”

“You don’t know how to play bowling, we ascertained that the other night.” Theo mutters because he thinks winning a couple of games gives him the right to decide who can and who can’t play bowling, but as he does that he also puts Liam down, which is better for him because he was just about to unhinge the jambs and beat him with it. His heads spins just for a few seconds as his blood resumes circulating the right way and he points a shaking finger at Theo.

“I’ll attack you back when you least expect it.”  

Theo is too pretty to be also clever so he ignores the threat and intertwines their fingers together, clearly mistaking Liam’s accusatory index for a request of holding hands. It _so_ wasn’t, but Liam will let it slide for this time.

“Can you come downstairs and have dinner with my parents instead?” He asks squeezing his palm against Liam’s, which makes him scoff. If he hopes he can convince him with a silent threat to break his hand he’s going to be disappointed. “Please?”

“Can I? Maybe. Do I want to? Hell no. Am I? See previous answer.”

“Please?” Theo repeats and his eyelashes flutter in a weird convulsion-like dance. Maybe he has something in his eyes. “I wouldn’t have asked you, but you already met my mom and if I’m going to tell her you’re _the_ Liam, I’d rather not have her remember you for what I’m sure must  have been the two most embarrassing minutes ever.”

“You weren’t there.” Liam mutters bitter because he’s not going to go as far as to deny that those were indeed the two most embarrassing minutes of his or everyone else’s life, but Theo shouldn’t assume things as if he was there.

“And of that, I’m forever grateful.”

Liam snorts, trying to untangle his hand from Theo’s, but he just squeezes harder.

“Hey, please?” He insists and his eyes are so wide now that Liam throws a quick glance around to see what’s scaring him. “For me?” Another quick convulsion of eyelashes and  his free hand is slowly curling up around Liam’s pinkie. What could he possibly want from his pinkie now is beyond Liam. One hand wasn’t enough? “They are going to love you, I promise.”

Liam knows why Theo believes that. That’s because Theo has taste and common sense and so he loves him, and he just can’t picture someone not doing that. But the truth is, for some incomprehensible reason people that are not Theo find incredibly easy not to love Liam. Most of them actually dislike him. Not that Liam cares, since he’s more than happy to dislike most of people back, but still.

“You don’t know that.” He murmurs lowering his eyes and offering Theo the perfect occasion to attack him again, which he does, softly pecking his lips.   

“Yes I do, because they love me and as soon as they see how happy you make me they are going to adore you to pieces.”

Liam likes the sound of that. Making Theo happy and being adored to pieces are both nice things he deserves in his life.

He bites his lip, considering it. Theo widens his eyes again.

“Stop that.”

“What.”

“The eyes. It’s weird.”

Theo grins, widening his eyes even more and actually managing to make them look all shiny as if he was about to cry. “It’s working.”

“It’s not. Stop. I’ll come, okay?” Liam huffs. “Because I want to be adored, not because you got something in your eyes. I’ll come and make you happy in front of them and they’ll love me, that’s the plan.”

“It’s a solid plan.” Theo nods pressing his little victorious smile against his lips.

“You’re happy when you ride my dick” Liam reflects and Theo’s smile is gone.

“Oh my god.”

“I mean, god no, I was just. Like...what do I do to make you happy? Should I give you a gift in front of them? Do I buy you a unicorn onesie? God I _hate_ those things, please don’t make me buy one, I can’t stand people wearing them, where do they think they’re going looking like that, uh? What if you have to pee? So ridiculous and impractical, but everyone keeps buying them just to take pics and look funny online. That’s how you know they’re not actually funny in real life, fake ass liars. So which one do you want? Do I buy you the unicorn or something cooler like a beetle, if they even make them, I bet not, beetles aren’t lame enough for onesie folk-”

“Liam,” Theo frees his hands just to place them both on the sides of his neck. “You just have to be yourself. That’s how you make me happy,” he says staring right into his eyes and Liam can feel a wave of heat suddenly embracing his neck and ears. “That’s it. Stop stressing. I like the penguin one by the way” he adds with a smile.

“I’m not stressing. _You’_ re stressing. I’m cool as ever.”

Theo raises his brows, temptingly opening his arms.“So you don’t want a calming hug, I take?”  
“Well, _me,_ personally, not at all, but I’m not denying you a hug if you need to calm your titties, Theodore.” Liam, being the generous boyfriend he is, proceeds to wrap himself around Theo’s chest like a koala, inhaling deeply his soothing scent and providing him the emotional support he clearly needs. “Here. Calm the fuck down, okay? It’s just your parents, not a tragedy. It’s not like they literally created you, jeez. Go now, stop overreacting. I’ll come in a second.”

Theo, who also wrapped himself around Liam like a bigger koala made of glue, doesn’t go anywhere. “I don’t think I’m calm yet.”

Liam sighs patiently and closes his eyes, before resting his head against Theo’s chest and listening to the regular beating of his heart, because what else can he do if his boyfriend decided to be needy and annoying? He’ll just have to endure this endless hug, that’s what.   

“Am I okay now?” Theo asks eventually, nuzzling his nose in the crock of his neck, and Liam nods quietly.

“I’ll wait for you downstairs then. Bring Scott too, my mum loves dogs.”

Why is Liam supposed to bring a giant sausage to a woman that loves dogs is beyond him, but he’ll do it.

Except the door has been opened the whole time and as soon as Theo leaves Liam has barely two seconds to realise Scott is nowhere to be seen before a furious barking comes from upstairs.

And it doesn’t matter what asshole and more asshole say, if Liam didn’t grab Scott right when he did their stupid pitbull would be nothing but tiny pieces now, because his dachshund is dangerous just like that.

“Such a good boy.” Liam pets him once they’re back in his flat, a warm pride filling his chest. Mason always says he’s not supposed to reward him for being aggressive, but that was Nolan and Brett’s dog that Scott just tried to murder, so Liam gives him a cookie. “Next, we’ll take down that Monroe chihuaua.”

 

***

 

Liam had everything under control, but then she had to smirk and go ‘are you sure, _son?’_ after he introduced himself and his brain shut down again. Theo was right there holding his hand so Liam didn’t jump out of any window this time, but he’s sitting at a table with his boyfriend’s parents and he has absolutely no idea what their names are because he was panicking too hard about shaking their hands to be also able to listen to what they were saying.

“It looks delicious honey” _Not-his-mum_ smiles warmly at Theo as he serves everyone a plate of not-chicken because Liam burnt it, and then she throws him a glance, probably because Liam can’t exactly remember how long it has been since he last opened his mouth. Probably when he said _I’m Liam_ after Theo said _this is Liam,_ showing them what a perfectly coordinated couple looks like.

Theo’s father glances at him as well and Liam thinks about the bathroom window just for a second before remembering his plan: Theo, happy, adored to pieces. He’s got this.

“Theodore, my love, I almost forgot,” Instead of collaborating and making a happy face, Theo responds to his unusually sweet voice with a deep frown. “I brought you this flower I found today because as soon as I saw it I thought of your smile, it’s just as blinding, isn’t it.”

Liam pulls out of his pocket the pretty flower he ripped from Mrs Jenkins’ flowerpot, as he does every time he feels like being petty with her, which is literally every single day, and as he’s about to place it on the table and impress the hell out of everyone by being an amazing and thoughtful boyfriend, Scott jumps and snatch it from his hand.

Theo’s parents sure look impressed as Scott furiously shakes his head and mauls the flower to tiny pieces, so there’s that.

“Dachshunds are born-” _Assholes._ “Hunters. Hunt stuff all the time. See, they shake their heads like that to make sure they break the prey’s neck. Very efficient, very professional, no flower could stand a chance,” Liam is not even making this up: he already found himself in the position of needing to brag about his dog breed, so he knows exactly what he’s talking about, and he’s not done impressing them yet. “Their low but long shape allows them to sneak easily inside badgers dens, so yeah, we have no badgers in this house for this exact reason, Scott wouldn’t allow it. Which is good because badgers can be pretty dangerous, carrying sickness, biting your eyes out and stuff.” Liam clears his throat, glancing around to see just how impressed they are. “Everyone should have a dachshund to be safe from them. If I had a son, I would never let him live in a dachshundless house, that’s very irresponsible. Statistically, the number of deaths caused by indoor badgers attacks every year is almost _twice_ the number of the ones caused by car accidents. But don’t worry, Theodore is safe now, Scott comes here often enough so he protects this flat too.”

The silence lasts long enough to make Liam question if making up statistics was a bit too much, but then his not mother turns to Theo, a warm smile on her lips. “He’s adorable.”

“Of course” Liam agrees smiling. “He’s also super cute and he almost never poops inside.”

“I think she meant you, Liam.” Theo chuckles and Liam’s face instantly catches fire.

“Oh. Oh yeah, no, I absolutely poop inside, I would never. Never. It was just one time and I was lost in the woods anyway, so. I mean, two times okay, but the second one-”

“He poops inside.” Theo interrupts him very firmly looking at his parents and this isn’t how this dinner was supposed to go. Liam hopes global warming hurries up with killing every form of life on the planet. “He’s just nervous because you’re here.”

“I’m not nervous, I’m cool, I’m making conversation.” Liam retorts bitter, quickly searching his memory for an appropriate parents-boyfriend dinner conversation. He saw so many movies, it can’t be that difficult. “So, what are your intentions with my boyfriend?” He asks casually and Theo’s widened eyes immediately inform him that that was a mistake. He fakes a cough to cover what he just said. “I mean, what do you do for a living? Your plans for the future?” _Shit, shit, shit_. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom, being there where I do my stuff, as we all confirmed just now. See you in a minute.”

 

 

“Liam, I swear to god, if you even get close to the wind- _oh for fuck’s sake!”_

The door slams open and suddenly Theo is clinging to his ankle, keeping him from jumping outside.

“Let me go! Seriously I’m sorry, I have to go, Mason needs me, I can feel it, we have this deep connect-”

“Get down!”

Liam can’t believe he’s not even being respected while in the middle of an athletic performance such as jumping through a window and it’s just because his wise, absolutely premeditated landing between Theo’s arms that he doesn’t break his neck.  
“Why is everyone trying to kill me?!” He inquires exasperated as soon as he gets back on his feet.

“ _Stop_ jumping out of my window” Theo growls before closing his eyes and taking a deep sigh. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t warn you, okay? I didn’t know they were coming, but you don’t have to freak out, they never told me who to date when I was in high school and they’re sure as hell not starting now. Also, they totally like you, I can see it.”

“They don’t, they think I poop _outside_ ,” Liam shakes his head eagerly because Theo fooled him once with his stupid pretty eyes, but now that he touched the danger first hand he’s not falling for it again. “I don’t want to meet your parents, Theodore, we have been dating for two months, that’s too early to meet parents, I shouldn’t even _know_ you have parents before a year! This is wrong, I’m not supposed to know their names or fac-”

“You don’t know their names,” Theo scoffs crossing his arms and making Liam gasp at the accusation.“Don’t think I can’t recognize your _I’m shaking your hand but not listening_ face, sunshine.”

Liam’s mouth keeps gaping in shock for several seconds before he’s able to recover himself from the outrage. “What. An. Asshole.” He stresses every word with indignation. “I _know_ their names.”  
He glares at Theo but he just raises his brows sceptical, completely unbothered by the daggers being thrown his way. “Oh yeah? Remind me what’s my mom’s name again?”

“Oh, so _you_ ’re the one that doesn’t know your parents’ names then,” Liam exclaims victorious. “Wow, just wow. You know what that sounds like, Theodore, not remembering how your own mother is called? It sounds like a _you_ problem. Not a _Liam who didn’t even want to meet them in the first plac_ e problem. Hear how different the two sounds? _You_ problem, _Li-_ ” Liam, being his extremely patient and generous self, is already repeating it to make the difference perfectly clear when Theo’s lips suddenly start to lose colour from how hard he’s pressing them against each other and then he’s muttering a very passive aggressive _okay_ as he lifts Liam from his armpits.

“What the f-”

“You want to go, go” He says coldly, proceeding to shove him towards the open window.

“Oh my god, are you throwing me out of the window? Am I being murdered right now?” Liam always knew, since he was a child, that he wasn’t going to make it to old age, but to perish at the hands of his only joy in life is something he hadn’t seen coming.

“I’m not _throwing_ you” And of course Theo would be the kind of person to care about semantic while committing a murder, of course. “I’m helping you, you wanted t-”

“Help, somebody help me, my boyfriend is trying to kill me!” Liam is not going down without a fight and so he starts to squirm and scream for help, not sure from who since everyone in that building would take great pleasure from his departing.  “Mr Deaton, somebody! I’m being pushed out of a window, launched to my death! Can’t pay rent if I’m dea-”

“Are you serious right now?” Theo keeps holding him up with his back against the wall near the window but he finally stops trying to push him out and Liam relaxes as well, because he doesn’t have anything against being held by his boyfriend’s muscular arms when he’s not throwing him out. It’s quite nice actually. “It’s like five feet, you did it already.”

“That doesn’t mean you can make me jump when you want, okay?” Liam scoffs, still a little bitter. “I only do that on my own terms.”

“I thought you _wanted_ to.”

Liam wanted nothing more than to jump into Theo’s courtyard and run to the safety of his parentless flat from there, but now that he’s been so actively prompted to do it, doing it’s not an option anymore.

“Well, I don’t.” He says with a glare. Theo glares back and they stare at each other in silence long enough that Liam starts wondering why his back is still pressed against the cold wall and his hands still splayed on Theo’s broad shoulders –for balance, that’s why- or when exactly he wrapped his legs so tight around his waist.

“Do we have angry sex now?” He investigates with a whisper, because if they’re not then he’s not sure what they’re doing.

“My parents are in the living room,” Theo says after a moment, looking at him as if angry sex was such an  absurd and out of context thought and he couldn’t place both his hands in literally _any_ other place except Liam’s buttcheeks to hold him up. “Probably listening to everything since you screamed like a banshee that I was trying to murder you.”

“Right.” Liam nods not hiding his disappointment. Being fucked against the wall would have made the day so much better. “And yet they didn’t come to save me. Told you they don’t like me.”

Theo rolls his eyes, but his delusional insistence that his parents actually love him for unknown reasons soon dies on his lips as Nolan’s voice reaches them from outside.

“HEY, WE’RE RECORDING, COME ON! YOU PROMISED US A SHOW, THROW HIM OUT!”

Liam immediately growls and grabs the jambs of the window pushing his upper half out of it.

“FUCK OFF!” He greets asshole and more asshole, glaring at their stupid faces chuckling at him from their balcony two floors higher up.

“Loser, come on! We’ll go viral if he dies falling from the ground floor!”

“It still must be pretty high for him, all things considered.”

Liam has so much to respond to that, but he suddenly feels more of his body exiting the window as Theo furiously stick out his head as well, Liam’s legs still wrapped around him for balance.

“HEY, FUCK OFF, YOU’RE EVEN SHORTER THAN H- _shit, Liam!”_

Liam is so happy and proud to see Theo lose his cool and finally join him in the war against the giant cockroaches that he barely notices just how _much_ of him is now out of the window, precariously hanging from Theo’s unstable body.

 

 

The grass is cold and it tickles his neck as Liam stares at the stars far away in the sky, splayed out motionless on his death bed.

“Liam, hey, are you okay?” Theo’s face is a welcomed impediment to the flashes that keep coming from a point above him, followed by muffled laughs. “I’m so sorry, I leaned out too much and-”

“You told Nolan I’m taller than him.” Liam sighs on the verge of crying, squeezing Theo’s hand. “I love you so much. Now I want you to avenge me, Theodore, you need to take all your pain for my death and direct it towards them as violence. Mason will help you, he has a katan-”

“Okay, it was literally five feet and you didn’t even hit your head Liam, come on. I was just being nice asking, now get up.” Turns out Theo is not holding his hand to give him love and strength in his last moments on Earth and before Liam has even finished expressing his last will, he’s been dragged up to his feet.

“I just fell from a building” He points out scowling just in case his boyfriend suddenly decides to react appropriately, but Theo just keeps guiding him towards the door without looking back. “Listen, it’s those assholes’ fault I fell. We need to make them fall from their window too, it’s just fair, it’s payback.”

“It’s homicide when they live on the third floor.”

“No, it’s not, it’s their choice to live up there, we didn’t _make_ them.”

“We’re not killing our neighbours,” Theo says final because he’s boring just like that, always ruining the mood. Then his eyes hesitate between his apartment and the stairs. “Do you really want to go?”

Liam wants it more than he wants a dragon. “Are you going to be mad if I do?” He asks anyway because what’s the point of having a dragon if Theo is mad at him?

“No.” It doesn’t sound like a lie, so Liam takes a step towards the stairs, before glancing back to search Theo’s face hesitant.

“Are you going to be sad?”

Theo snorts softly, shaking his head with a smile. “No, I’ll just have to find a way to explain to my parents that you’re not ready to meet them _after_ you already met them.”

 “Can’t I unmet them?” Liam asks hopeful. “Like, we could tell them it was all a joke and I’m the neighbour, Liam, and they will meet your actual boyfriend, Larry, in two years, when he’ll be ready.”

“And what happens in two years when they come meet Larry and find you again?”

“You’ll just introduce them to your new boyfriend,” Liam shrugs, scowling a little. He hates Theo’s new boyfriend already. Then he crosses Theo’s confused eyes and frowns. “Or am I still your boyfriend in two years?”

Theo looks dumbfounded by that. He stares at Liam in silence for quite some time before opening his mouth again, his voice quiet and feeble. “You’re not?”  
Liam blinks. “I don’t know, am I?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” Theo’s tone is suddenly inquisitive and Liam starts to swing imperceptibly on the spot, no reason in particular.    

“I don’t know, I don’t read the future.”

“What do you mean you don’t know, you’re breaking up with me and you don’t even know why?” Theo snaps while also keeping his voice a loud whisper, which is remarkable, except for the part where he’s delirious: first of all, Liam knows _exactly_ why, he knows it since Theo started singing _Last Christmas_ for the fifteenth time in a day, but he also doesn’t actually need a why, since he’s not doing it.  
“Oh my god, Theodore, I’m not breaking up with you, I was just saying!”  
“Saying what!”

“That two years are a long time.” Liam shrugs. “I’ll probably be dead in two years.”

“Okay, but let’s say you don’t mysteriously die at twenty-two in the next two years, will you still be with me? Or is this, _us_ , just to spend your time?”

“ _If_ I don’t die, then...look, stop blaming me, okay?” Liam has no idea what they are suddenly fighting about, but what he knows is that he’s going to win the argument. “You don’t know the future either. Maybe _you_ broke up with me, who knows. Maybe you got tired of Scott’s hairs on your blankets and-”

“I didn’t got tired!” Theo protests, actually looking very tired. “I just loved you more and more year after year, if we broke up it’s _your_ fault, not mine.”

“ _My_ fault? Ah! Don’t think so. You totally broke up with me over something petty like _Liam, did you eat my precious raw potatoes again?”_  
“You ate them today too, I saw it, and you also burnt the chicken.”

 _“Liam, you burnt the chicken and my love for you at the same time, it’s over, I never want to see you again._ _”_

“Okay first, I don’t talk like an old lady, stop that. And second, I won’t ever break up with you, _ever_ , even if you burn the house down.” Theo seems convinced that that was a very mean thing to say, Liam can see it in his eyes, so he decides to be even meaner.  

“Then I won’t break up with you either, even if you burn...Mason.”

Theo blinks. Liam regrets it.

“Don’t burn Mason please, he’s my only friend.”

“Why would I-whatever. So we’re still  together in two years, pyromaniac tendencies or not?

“It looks like it, yes.” Liam nods, still firmly convinced he’ll die way before. He probably has an internal bleeding from the fall anyway. He’ll be surprised if he’ll wake up to see the sunrise tomorrow.

“So you’re not unmeeting my parents anymore?”

“Nah, I’d look stupid in two years,” Liam shakes his head reasonable. “I’d have to wear a mask and change my name in Larry, but I hate every single Larry I know, like seriously, did you ever met a Larry that was actually as fun as he th-”

Liam’s mouth is suddenly filled with one more tongue. He’s very creeped out by it for a second. “I love you,” Theo smiles all happy when their faces become two separates things again.  

“Yeah yeah, you do that.” Liam is not even going to pretend he knows what’s going on at this point. “Now, where’s the cake.”

“I didn’t make a cake.”

“What the fuck, Theodore, your parents come to dinner and you don’t even make a cake, what is _wrong_ with you. We should break up.”

 

**

 

Theo’s parents don’t ask why they disappeared in the bathroom and came back ten minutes later through the main door.

Liam appreciates it a lot.

He suspects his story about how a strong gust of wind pulled him out of the window forcing Theo to jump after him to save him would have lost all its appeal if told out loud.

 

**

 

Liam is winning.

Theo’s parents are actually quite nice and they keep smiling and be kind to him, but it’s a war and he’s winning. They caught him with his guard lowered before but it’ll never happen again, no more panicking for him, thank you very much. There’s no reason to anyway, he can burn the house down and Theo still won’t break up with him apparently. The best part is that he didn’t specify _which_ house. Asshole and more asshole are living on borrowed time now.  

“Theodore, bring some salt since you’re in the kitchen, would you. These potatoes taste like air,” They do not, they’re amazing actually, like pretty much anything Theo cooks, but Liam needs to show Theo’s mother how comfortable he is now. She keeps speaking to him with an excessively soft voice, as if he was an easily scared deer ready to jump and run at every sudden movement or too loud noise, and Liam can’t let this woman think she has that sort of power over him just because she made him jump out of a window. As if it was a big deal. Asshole and more asshole made him jump from a much higher window two months ago and they don’t have any power over him, they’re just disgustingly horny and stretchy.

“Yeah, I bet they lose all their flavour when cooked, you weirdo,” Theo mutters disappearing in the kitchen again. He spent half of the dinner doing that, always needing to check on some other dish. He must thinks he’s in Masterchef or something.

“He never let anyone call him that, since he was a child,” Liam almost winces, startled. He didn’t notice Theo’s mother staring at him. That probably doesn’t help the _not a scared deer c_ ause. “Not even me, he said it was only an appropriate name if you are a teddy bear,” She shakes her head with a fond smile. “But I couldn’t help but notice...he lets you.”

Liam wouldn’t call Theo finally accepting he has literally zero saying in how he calls him _let you,_ but it’s a good occasion to show off, so he smiles smugly. “Absolutely, I could call him whatever I want and he’d love it just because I’m the one doing it. Look. Hey, Theofrog!”

 _“Excuse_ me? _”_ Theo’s head appears from the doorframe, his eyes glaring daggers at him.  
Liam smiles innocently. “I love you.”

The glare instantly melts into an adoringly smile. “I love you too.”.  

Theo disappears in the kitchen again, now all happy, and Liam throws an eloquent glance at his mom. _Your son is mine now and there’s nothing you can do about it_ , he tries to communicate her with his eyes, but she doesn’t seem to have anything against it.  Liam really wished he listened to her name.

 

**

 

“So, how did you two get together?”

“I serenaded him in front of all our neighbours, with a guitar and everything,” Liam was just about to open his mouth and buy some time to decide how to answer that, but Theo just had to go and immediately jump to the embarrassing part, didn’t he. “I kneeled too, it was the most romantic thing that ever happened in this building.” Liam doesn’t doubt that. “He was startrucked.”

“I had been hit by an apple by the psycho who lives on the third floor,” He immediately points out. “Probably had a commotion or something.”

“He loved it,” Theo ignores him. “He loves when I sing. That’s how he fell in love with me, he heard me singing every morning from his balcony.”

“Yeah, that’s...what happened.” That’s _so_ not how it happened. “Heard him every morning, sure. Couldn’t ignore such a voice.”

“He’s good, isn’t he?” And oh god, she doesn’t know. They really are deaf then.

“Yeah, he’s...he is...” Liam tries really hard to lie, but he just can’t bring himself to say it. “Well, he likes singing.”

Theo’s father’s lips are now doing the thing Theo’s lips often do when he tries to hold back a giggle, pressing against each other so hard they disappear, and Liam has no doubt, _he knows._ He’s not deaf, he knows and he knows that Liam knows too, but he can’t say anything because the mother doesn’t know.  

“As soon as he didn’t hear me sing anymore he came begging me to start again.” Theo is _so_ basking in the fact that Liam can’t expose his terrible singing in front of his parents.

“No begging was involved.”

“He loves my voice so much he was ready to pay for it.”

“Never gave him a single dollar.”

“He offered me twenty five dollars to sing every morning. That’s how I immediately knew he crashed for me hard.”

“That’s not what happened at all, I...he fell for me first. I threatened him and his immediate response was to give me his Netflix credentials and food. He _covered_ me in food in some weird courting attempt.”

“He bought me a cake” Theo smiles fondly.

“He _made_ me one!”

“He’s good at cooking, isn’t it,” It doesn’t sound like Theo’s mom is too happy about it, which is weird, because she seemed so proud a minute ago about his son’s completely inexistent singing skills you’d think she’d be happy about his actual abilities, but apparently not. “I paid him cooking lessons for months when he was eighteen, I figured after years spent cooking for him I only deserved the best and to have my son finally making some fine meals for me.” She smiles at Theo and Liam never saw a more rancorous smile. “Not even two weeks after the end of his cooking classes he moved out.”

“I _graduated_ , it wasn’t related to-”

 _“Two weeks_.” She cuts him off bitter and Theo shuts up, his head bowing guiltily. “Anyway, I’m glad at least someone is enjoying those three hundred dollars worth of cooking class,” She adds and this time her smile seems genuine and less murderous as she turns to Liam.

“He took lessons?” He repeats shocked, accusation heavy in his voice as he searches Theo’s avoiding eyes. “ _Oh my god Liam, how can you not know how to chop vegetables, it’s basic stuff!_  And you learnt it like yesterday!”

“I knew _things_ before, okay?”  
“Honey, you didn’t even know how to reheat a pizza.”

Theo blushes violently and Liam gasps  wordless. His life is a lie.

 

***

 

Being Liam the best boyfriend ever, he only mocks Theo for half an hour after that.

 

***

 

“You know,” Theo brought his dad in the bathroom to take a look at the shower ( _I slipped and broke it with my shoulder,_ he said. It wasn’t his shoulder and that wasn’t what _slipping_ looks like- Liam would know since he was there too),  and his mom is now looking at him with a sad, nostalgic smile. “Tara would have liked you. She always complained we didn’t team up with her when she was making fun of Theo. Although she did it mostly for his awful singing,” Liam thinks he would have liked Tara too. It seems like she was the only one with functioning ears in the family. “And how to blame her,” She chuckles, the wrinkles at the corner of her eyes deepening as she glances towards the bathroom amused and lowers her voice. “Don’t tell Theo I said that, I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but he is indeed _tragic_ at singing. Not that you’d know sweetheart: love is deaf.”  

 

Liam can only wish.

 

***

 

Eventually, a cab arrives for Theo’s parents.

“It was my pleasure, Mrs Raeken.”

“No need to be formal now, Liam.”

“Yeah sure, then,” Liam clears his voice. Shit. “It was nice to meet you...” They’re going to find out, he’s screwed. _“...mom_.” He winks and the bells of glory immediately fill his ears as he stands there looking clever and funny and not like someone who just doesn’t know the names of the people he spent an entire dinner with. She laughs shaking her head and Liam is almost overwhelmed by his own power: he already got inside jokes with his boyfriend’s mom, take that universe.  

He glances at Theo to see if he’s ready to take him on a triumphal tour of the house on his shoulders to celebrate him but he’s busy hugging his father goodbye, so the imaginary bells will do.

He did it, he survived another day on Earth.

The door closes behind them and they stand there staring at it for several seconds before Liam risks a look at his side. It’s coming any moment now, there’s nothing he can do to stop it. They loved him and he can already hear the _I told you_ leaving Theo’s mouth, it’s inevitable.

The silence has protracted itself for what seems like hours when Theo finally takes a deep sigh and Liam sees his lips opening like in slow motion. Here we go. The last attack of the day but the worst of them all, the dreaded _I told y-_ “ _Laaast Christmas...”_

Oh for _fuck's_ sake.

“ _I gave you my heart, but the very n-”_ Love was never deaf and so Liam immediately slams Theo against the nearest wall, shutting up the dying cat in his mouth with his tongue.

 Time to fuck the Christmas spirit out of him again.

 “Jesus, Li,” Theo chuckles as Liam aggressively presses open mouthed kisses all over his neck and jaw. “Christmas songs really make you horny, don’t they.”

 

 

 

 

 


	2. The DD Song

 

 

 

Just like all the good things in life, Theo is leaving him.

“Please Theodore,  _don’t”_   Liam lets out a pained whine, tightening his grip as Theo struggles to get free.

“Come on Liam, I’m going to be late, just let me-”

“Don’t go, please,” Merciless, Theo gives a particularly successful tug and Liam has to use all his limbs and go in full octopus mode to keep him from sneaking out of bed. “Just tell them you’re sick, okay? It’s not even a lie, only sick people use coasters.”

“I can’t call sick at work just because you have the day off.” Theo stops struggling, but Liam doesn’t lower his guard, all his limbs still warily wrapped around his boyfriend, ready to face his next attempt. He won’t let him escape, fuck work. They can fire him for all Liam cares, Theo is already attending college anyway, he doesn’t need to work too, that’s just him wanting to overdo his perfection like always.

“If you love me you won’t go” It’s a blackmail and Theo hesitates on top of him for a few seconds while Liam stares at him with his best sad expression, the one that always does it. This time is no exception.  
“Fine” Theo sighs, lowering his face to undo the few inches between their lips. “I’ll take the day off just for you, happy?”

Liam is very happy and smiles into the kiss before opening his mouth as Theo starts to deepen it, his heels resting on the mattress again and his arms loosening their grip around his boyfriend’s neck, all of it just a few seconds before Liam finds himself making out with the pillow that’s now pressed against his face.

“Like stealing candies from little kids” Theo smirks, already on his way for the bathroom and ignoring Liam’s betrayed spitting behind him. “And wash the dishes before I come back!”

“Fine, go! See if I care, you were stealing all the blankets anyway” Liam scoffs before suppressing his desperate wails on the pillow that’s been a better boyfriend to him than the current one ever was and rolling in the sheets in agony because the world is such a lonely place when no one loves you.

 

 

As if his boyfriend’s cold hearted betrayal didn’t already ruined his morning, Liam now knows it’s going to be a bad day as well because someone is knocking at his door.

It’s never  _not_ frustrating when people do that, since the reason doors exist in the first place is to keep people out, and it can’t be Theo –he has a key now, which is a big deal apparently, he almost cried when Liam tossed it at him and he wouldn’t stop hugging him and be all dramatic about it, when all Liam wanted was not to get up from the couch every single time to let him in.

And since Theo is the only one with the power of knocking at his door without immediately ruining his day, Liam’s day is now ruined.

“Who the hell are you?” He glares at the tall stranger standing on his door like he owns the place. He doesn’t. Liam doesn’t either and he’s also late with rent again, but he’ll be damned if he let the first random guy claim his doorway like that.

 “Hi” The guy actually has the nerve to  _smile_ at him, just to show off his blindingly white teeth. He’s discreetly hot, with the sharp jaw and the short blond hair, the leather jacket barely covering an obvious lack of pizza and fast-food meals in his life. Liam pities him. “Are you Liam Dunbar?”

Liam wants to say no so bad, but he remembers what happened the last time he lied to a stranger about his identity and while this doesn’t look like Theo’s mum at all, it’s still better not to risk it. The guy is hot enough to be some distant relative or something.

“Aren’t  _you?_ ” He says smug, just to confuse the stranger and establish his control over his personal piece of universe. 

“I’m definitely not _.” That’s right motherfucker,_  there’s only one Liam Dunbar and he doesn’t appreciate tall blonde dudes roaming free in his condominium, especially when there’s already enough blond people in there. “I’m Brad, I’m sure you know who I am.” Liam gasps, the oxygen suddenly thickening on his way for his lungs and stopping right there in his throat, chocking him. How  _dare_  he enters his territory. This is his personal condominium and Theo’s exes are not allowed in it, Theo’s exes are to be shot and put down on sight. Liam feels like fainting out of indignation. “I’m out for good this time, I want to stay clean and I plan on winning Theo back, so,” Brad shrugs with a superior little smirk and Liam’s sight actually blurs a little as his head starts spinning around and he grabs the doorknob not to fall. He’s fainting, he’s  _about_  to faint. This is too inacceptable for him to stay conscious. “Thank you for keeping my man company while I was away, but now I’m here, so you’re no longer needed, kid,” Liam tries to take a deep breath in order not to fall on Scott while he passes out but there’s a condescending  _kid_  stuck in his throat and the oxygen just won’t go in. Brad smiles politely and Liam’s heart starts to slow down under all the weight of his outrage. This is it, this is how he goes. “I’d appreciate it if we could do it quickly and without all the drama. As I said, I just got out and there’s no reason for things to get messy.”

Liam is already crouching a little on himself to soften the fall as he faints on the floor when Brad’s hazel eyes darken and his cold smirk delivers the implicit threat in his words, immediately clearing Liam’s airways and straightening his back, because it doesn’t matter if fainting is obviously needed to face  _such_  nerve, there’s no time: faint and then fight is usually a great strategy but not now, Liam needs to jump to the fighting part immediately.

“Maybe you can send him a text, tell him that  _it’s not you it’s me_  bullshit people use to-”

“Let me stop you right there” Liam holds his hand up, dramatically closing his eyes with a deep sigh before opening them again so they can convey all the scepticism and smugness he has in him. Which is a lot. “Brad,  _doc_ , what were you even in for? Drugs? Blackmailing?” Liam snorts, rolling his eyes. “And you think you can just come here and scare me off? _Me_ of all people?” Brad raises his stupid brows in a rather unimpressive way – he can’t even reach his airline, fucking amateur – and Liam lets out a derogatory laugh. “I’ll let you know, doc, I’ve been in for the real stuff. Murder? Armed robbery? Torture? Mutilation? You name one, I got it. I could kill you with a spoon.”

Brett keeps staring at him without even blinking, clearly frozen in place by fear. Liam takes great pleasure from it, everyone who ever dared to kiss Theo before him should be scared and terrified because the inevitable punishment will be delivered to all of them eventually.

“You’ve been in two nights for punching a guy in a museum. Didn’t even broke his nose.”

“Bullshit, I totally broke it, I don’t care what the doctors said, I heard it  _crack_ , okay? That Isaac dude just had a super healing power or something, who even wears scarves insid-wait. You investigated on me?!” Liam gasps outraged.

Brad shrugs innocently. “I needed to know who exactly kept my pretty boy company.”

There are so many things wrong with that and Liam can’t even bring himself to punch this guy. His knuckles did nothing but serve him well since he was born, punching all kind of people and especially Nolan’s balls, so he won’t do this to them, he won’t force them to touch this pile of crap’s face, no matter how much he  _wants_ too.

“Is throwing up first thing in the morning supposed to be good for your body? Is this why you’re trying to make me? Because I’m in good health already, so keep that  _pretty boy_  bullshit out of my hearing, okay? Especially the delusional  _my_ part, thanks. Your face alone is enough to make me vomit anyway,” Liam can’t believe he thought this guy was hot just a few minutes ago. He’s  _so_ not. He’s ugly and nauseating, too tall and with too many muscles, not to talk about the eyes, he probably thinks he did something with those ice-blue iris and the blond hair, fake ass Ken. Fuck originality, right? Liam is disgusted. “Also, yes, fine, I spent only two nights in jail, so what? This just proves that I’m better than you at doing illegal stuff because  _I_ don’t get caught,” Liam smirks smugly and Doctor Disgusting just smirks harder, completely unbothered. Liam wonders what spot in Theo’s backyard would be the best to bury this guy’s lifeless body in. Probably next to the huge flowerpot he gave Theo for their second monthversary, the one Mrs Jenkins is still looking for. “So you should really think twice before coming here,” He takes a menacing step forward. “In my territory, muttering nonsense about my boyfriend. Actually, you should be scared to even think about him because there’s not a single object in this room I couldn’t kill you with. That lamp? Deadly. The spoon? It’ll be over before you know it.”Liam shrugs. “Hell, I could kill you with my nose.”

Finally Brad stops with his superior act and frowns visibly, so Liam keeps going, finally satisfied.

“My dog, here,” He nods at Scott, who’s warily sniffing Brad leg’s without wiggling, because he might not know his tail is a part of his own body or how a ball works, but he knows an enemy when he sees one. “He could kill you too. Scott, sit down. Scott!” When Liam slips some food from his pocket showing it to Scott, the little sausage immediately sits. It’s not much of a difference in term of height but it’s a show of pure, inconditionate obedience. “See? He’s trained. He does what I say. It would be a shame if I accidentally order him to tear you apart right now.”

Brad stares at him, clearly paralyzed by fear.

“Why do you have pizza in your pocket?”

“Why  _don’t_ you?” Liam immediately replies, snorting. “Guess the answer is the same to why Theo is with me and not you, mister Brad Doctor _._ What do you have in your pockets,  _bread?”_

“A gun.”

Liam is still chuckling extremely satisfied by his witty comeback when Brad’s immediate answers makes him gasp.  
“Well,” He clears his voice, his eyes lingering only for a few seconds over the evident bulge in Brad’s jeans, right next to where his hand is lying inert. So it wasn’t a giant dick after all. How disappointing. Liam wonders what he has to look all pleased now, an oversize dick would have been so much more menacing than a stupid gun. “I’m sorry, is that supposed to be threatening? My dog would jump and eat all the bullets just like he ate the pizza. And then, then he’d eat your balls too. If you even have those, people who need to keep a gun on them generally don’t,” Liam snorts derisive, holding back a grin. He’s so good at this. No drug lord stands a chance against him. “Actually, I’ll let you know, you are the less threatening person in this entire condominium.” He plants his index in the middle of Brad’s chest and he does it a few more times, harder, trying to stab him with it. It doesn’t work. He should really let his nails grown. “Everyone, literally  _everyon_ e here is more dangerous than you. Mr Deaton, third floor, he’s the better thief in all California. He can rob you of almost one-thousand dollars in a matter of minutes, every month, and he’s so good the police doesn’t even go after him. Nolan is like elastic girl but evil and he’s a full psycho and Brett is big and does everything Nolan says and they have a ferocious pitbull and they’re always naked. They  _know_  how to traumatize people, not like you, with your little gun.” Brad suddenly crosses his arms forcing Liam to stop stinging his chest and he still doesn’t look as terrified as he should, so it’s time for the firepower. “Mrs Jenkins, first floor, she’s the most heartless, experienced spy you’ll ever meet and you don’t want to find out what she does with her sewing needles, Mr Argent, her centenary toyboy, is fucking immortal, go on if you don’t believe me, shoot him how many times you want, he’s just not gonna die. And Theodore,  _my_  boyfriend, as you should know, can destroy your eardrums in a matter of seconds without even trying. You?” Liam laughs. “You wouldn’t scare a fly here.”

“Don’t call him Theodore, he doesn’t like it.”

Liam is actually speechless for a few seconds because he just talked for two minutes straight and  _that_ ’s all he took? He also feels like fainting again, overwhelmed by how much this situation, this guy’s existence, is not acceptable, but then the fact that fucking Brad just tried to tell him what his boyfriend like or doesn’t like actually sinks in and he sees red.

“He doesn’t like when  _you_  call him that,” He specifies through greeted teeth. “He absolutely adores when I call him Theodore, so mind your own business, like, go buy ‘how to stay out of prison for dummies’ or whatever. Look for ‘how not to be a pathetic ex’ too since you’re at it. He serenaded me, you know. It was awful and I loved it. So you can go fuck yourself, because we’re together and we’re happy and we even have a  _monthversary._ We celebrated it three times already, with  _sex_  and  _cakes_ , while you were in jail, all alone with your right han-” At this point, Brad takes out his gun and Liam lets out a girlish scream, slamming the door to his face.

Thirty seconds later, he’s climbing the emergency stairway with Scott stuffed in his backpack furiously barking at him.

 

 

Liam climbs and climbs and climbs and when he’s just about to fall to his death and die, a balcony finally comes to his rescue.

“ _Oh. My. God._  What are you, Spiderman?”

Liam knew it was their balcony since them living right above him is how their endless war started, but that doesn’t change his shook and disappointment in seeing Nolan’s irritating face right there, as if he had nothing better to do besides being there waiting for this exact moment. His first instinct is not to get into the balcony of course, because if Nolan is there then it’s only right for Liam  _not_  to be,  but  _Nolan is there_ and Liam doesn’t really wish to pull a Bran Stark, so he quickly climbs inside because Scott doesn’t deserve to die like that, not after he escaped death all those times he choked on random objects and survived.

As soon as his feet hit the floor, Nolan starts screaming like the crazy bitch he is.

 “BRETT! The loser is attacking us! DEREK, COME HERE!”  
Brett immediately appears on the door and Liam holds up his hands widening his eyes. “No no, wait, I come in peace! I come in peace!” It hurts him to say those words because if there’s something he never felt towards those two is a sentiment of peace, but he’s outnumbered and Brett is holding a very threatening wooden ladle in his hands. Scott keeps barking furiously from his backpack, because he’s used to fight battles bigger than him and he, on the other hand, is not coming in peace. He’s not coming at all actually, since he’s still trapped in Liam’s bag.

“In peace?  _You?”_

Brett frowns as if that was a strange thought which is ridiculous because Liam is absolutely the most chill and peaceful person when the world and his habitants don’t attack him first by breaking into his personal space. He’d like to scoff now and say something mean about Brett’s shirt which is two sizes too small – Liam shouldn’t be able to see  _his nipples,_ Liam shouldn’t even  _know_ Brett has nipples, but he’s alone in enemy territory, so he just nods with a grimace. 

“Yes, I’m under attack and I’m seeking for asylum and nipples.  _Allies_ , asylum and allies.”

“Wait, who is attacking you, is Mrs Jenkins already? With the carnivore plant?” Nolan rolls his eyes, glancing at Brett. “Damn it, we agreed to do it on Tuesday!”

“No, it’s Theodore’s ex! He somehow surpassed the defences and he’s downstairs right now!”

“What defences, you always leave the gate ope-” Brett starts muttering, but Nolan interrupts him with a large, creepy smile. Fucking psycho.

“The loser’s ex? Oh my god, that’s awesome. Are you going to  _fight_  him? Thanks for warning us, we’ll come downstairs immediately and cheer for him. Actually, I’ll come, Brett, you need to go distract Deaton or he’ll stop the fight before it gets fun.”

“Why can’t  _you_  distract Deaton? I want to see the fight too.”

“No, no, no, there’s not gonna be a fight, just a  _murder_  okay? He has a  _gun!_  He just got out of jail and he has a  _gun_ and he pointed a  _gun_ at me!”

Brett blinks, before turning to Nolan.

“I  _think_ he has a gun.”

Nolan chuckles.

“Mr Argent has a gun too, you should go ask him if-”

“Don’t suggest that, he can’t have a gun, he’s crazy, look at him. He just climbed on our balcony.” Brett says and then they’re both staring at him. Liam glares back.

“That just means that I’m a good climber, you dick.” 

This is the perfect moment to move his hand and violently pinch Brett’s left nipple through the shirt to teach him a lesson, but the asshole suddenly sighs, scratching his nose.

“So, are we supposed to call the police? Is that why you’re here?”  
“Yeah, and look like cowards?” Liam scoffs.  _Calling the police_ , he can’t believe his poor ears. “No way. We can’t let Doctor Disgusting think he can just come in  _our_ building with a gun and scare us. This is not just about me and Theodore, it’s about everyone that lives here. It’s about our pride and reputation as a condominium. I need your help to put him in his place and show him he can’t mess with us.”

There’s a long silence.

Eventually Nolan turns to Brett.

“I say we let him kill the loser.”

Liam should have just kept climbing and ask for help to Mr Argent, except with his luck he would have chose that exact moment to finally part from the living world. Actually, Liam hasn’t seen him in a while, so chances are that he’s already dead in his apartment for weeks and nobody noticed yet.

“I mean, I’d agree, but what if the one that comes in his flat after he’s dead is someone we  _like_?” Brett considers with a frown. “Then we would have to, you know, being nice, stop throwing stuff on his balcony, Jesus, we’d have to buy  _ashtrays.”_

Liam doesn’t know what’s so scary about buying ashtrays –even he owns some and he doesn’t even smoke – but Nolan widens his eyes in terror and finally surrender. “We’ll help you.”

Liam has only two seconds to smile proudly for having defeated the enemy without even recurring to violence, which  _possibly_ wouldn’t have ended well considering the giant pitbull peaking from behind the two assholes, and then it all happens in the blink of an eye: the realisation that his backpack is suddenly a lot lighter than it was before and Scott’s teeth closing violently on the pitbull’s nose.

They’re absolutely going to die now, both mauled alive, but Liam is incredibly proud of his killer sausage.

 

 

“You said you came  _in peace,_  you asshole!”

“I didn’t say anything about Scott.”

“Brett, let me go, he needs to die, he hid his little rat in his backpack as his secret weapon, he almost killed Derek! Let me-”

“He was barking very loudly, he wasn’t hidden! And he’s not a rat, okay?” Liam points out bitter because there are only two kinds of rat in the world bigger than his dog, only two. “Look, he’s fine, his nose stopped bleeding already, you’re all being drama queens. Derek likes Scott, he’s letting him eat his food, see? He’s not mad.”

“He’s scared of him!”

“Damn right he is!” Liam immediately admits proudly because it’s true, that giant pitbull is scared shitless of Scott and all his sausage needed to make him retreat from his now almost empty bowl was a single bark. Theo’s ex is going to shoot him any minute now but Scott is the true alpha of all the dogs in their condominium and Liam will die as the happy man he never was.   

“I’m going to skin you alive, Brett, let me go!”

“Okay, everyone stop right now.” Brett sighs again and Liam has never seen him so tired and frustrated. That makes him happy too. “There’s  a man with a gun downstairs, so this is what we’re going to do now. You, sit down.” Nolan pouts angrily as he’s forced to stop trying to launch himself at Liam and Liam grins evilly from his spot on the couch. “ _You_  , you made our dog bleed, so now I’ll make you bleed.”

Liam had been right to fear the wooden ladle in Brett’s hands when he first came, because it turns out it hurts really bad when someone hits you with it. What hurts even more is that as he grunts and cries out in pain Scott doesn’t even look at him, his little head still fully dived inside Derek’s giant bowl.

“And now we’re going to deal with the loser number two’s crazy ex.”

“Don’t call Theodore a loser.” Liam mutters through his bloodied hands and no, his nasal voice is not as funny as Nolan’s annoying giggles make it out to be.

“Fine, now we’re going to deal with the loser number one’s too hot for him boyfriend’s crazy ex.”

 

 

They don’t bring Derek to fight Doctor Disgusting and honestly, after seeing him hiding from Scott Liam doesn’t feel like contesting that decision.

“Doctor Brad?” Brett is smiling all polite and Liam wants to punch him so bad. Politeness won’t kill Doctor Disgusting. “I’m Brett and this is my boyfriend Nolan, we live on the third floor, nice to meet you. Listen, we understand and support your dislike for him, but we can’t let you threaten our stupid neighbour with a gun: our threats will look ridiculous and have zero effects on him if compared to yours and we can’t have that since we have a long cohabitations full of threats in front of us, as you’ll certainly understand.””

“Our carnivore plant attack on Tuesday will look  _so lame_  after this” Nolan scoffs with a pout and Liam can’t help but notice, even from his hidden spot behind the corner, how close he is to the stairs. Why would he even stand there? It’s like he’s  _asking_ to be tackled into the afterlife.

 “Just out of curiosity” Brad speaks, reminding Liam just how much he also needs to be tackled downstairs –downstairs being both the first floor and hell, which is kinda the same thing since Mrs Jenkins lives there. “Is everyone an actual psycho in this condominium? I wonder how my pretty boy ended up here. I’m sure he’ll beg me to take him with me someplace better. Say bye to Liam, I’ll be back at six when Theo gets out of work. If he’s smart, which I somehow doubt, he won’t be home.”

“He’s not smart.” Nolan immediately points out while Brett frowns.

“Did you just call us psychos?”

“Have a good rest of your day.”

And just like that, he’s gone.

 _“That_  was your plan?” Liam spits out affronted. He thought they were going to attack him together, he was waiting for a sign and now Doctor Disgusting is gone. That’s what you get for trusting the enemy.

“ _My_ plan was to talk to him so he could tell us that he doesn’t have a gun and you’re hallucinating because you’re a crazy person. I didn’t expect him to be crazy too. Also, why did you tell him at what time the loser comes back?”

“Don’t call Theod-wait, I didn’t. How does he know at what time Theodore gets out of work, did he  _stalked_ him, oh my god, he needs to go, does Mr Argent have bullets for his gun? Does he have any other weapon, a bomb? A flamethrower? Let’s go ask him, this ends now.”

“Mr Argent can’t help you” Brett says and even if it pains him to admit it he’s probably right, if Mr Argent had a flamethrower or any useful weapon Liam would have found out that time Scott pooped on his doormat. “I think he went into a coma again anyway.”

Great. That’s when Mr Argent finally decides to remember he’s too old to be alive, the  _one_  time Liam needs him.

“And anyway, if you really want to fight a dangerous person, you don’t ask help from a corpse. You ask to someone just as dangerous.” 

Liam scoffs. “And who would that be, let’s hear-” And then he knows.  _“No._  Nope. Absolutely no. I’ll die before I ask  _her.”_

 

 

“Good afternoon, Mrs Jenkins. ”

“Get out of my face, Satan.”

“Oh, you think I enjoy being here? That I would knock on your door if I had literally any other choice?” Liam scoffs affronted. Crazy old lady. “I’m here on behalf of everyone who lives in this condominium to give you  the official task of using your nosy neighbour with no life abilities to find out all you can about this man,” It took Mason thirty minutes and a full immersion in every single one of Theodore’s social profiles, but eventually he found a picture. “Specifically, if he still does drugs or any other illegal activity that could send him back to where he belongs, where he won’t be able to be a threat anymore to us. Us all. Us as a condominium. Not anyone in particular.”

Of course Mrs Jenkins, having no soul, doesn’t seem impressed.

“Why are you really here?”

“Because I care about this community as if it was my own fam-”

“I’m closing the door.”

“Please, he want to steal Theodore, we need to stop him! Who’ll help you carry your groceries if Theodore moves out? Sure as hell not me, I’d let you starve to death and enjoy every second of it!” It’s true, but it’s also probably not helping, so Liam clears his voice. “I mean _, please?”_ He pops his lower lip out and frowns as if he was just about to cry, which comes incredibly natural because he’s been about to cry for hours now. Mrs Jenkins looks disgusted.

“Theodore is a good kid.” She considers eventually and Liam can feel the pain it’s costing her to agree with him. He’s in pain too. “Always sweeping the hall even when it’s not his turn.”

“Yes, exactly! And he’s also always stopping me from hiding your mail.”

Mrs Jenkins glares at him but eventually she has to give up in front of the evidence: she needs Theodore just as much as Liam does.

“You’ll water my plants three times a week.”  

Liam nods. He won’t of course, but it never hurt anyone to lie. That’s literally how he met Theodore, lying his way through a fake deal. “You’ll also give back the flowerpot you stole.”

“It was  _out_ of your door, it’s not stealing if it’s out, it could have been anyone’s!”

“You’ll give it back.” 

“Fine” Liam scowls irritated. “But Theo already put a plant in it. He talks to it, he even named it, he’ll get mad if I leave Tracy without a home.”

“And that will be the last of your problems if he leaves with Brad Valet.”

“Yeah well, I...I didn’t say his name.” Liam frowns confused, because he didn’t even know Doctor Disgusting's full name. How the hell...

Mrs Jenkins just smiles sweetly and Liam has never been more scared in his life. “So, we have a deal?”

 

 

**

 

Corey’s heartless friend refused to let them borrow her katana again, but there’s a baseball bat in his best friend’s hands picking from his hiding spot. Which is a terrible hiding spot to begin with since Liam can see both him and his weapon, but at least he’s trying, unlike asshole and more asshole who are just sitting on the stairs with a large bowl of popcorn in their hands.

“Shouldn’t the loser be here already?” Nolan complains with his mouth full and Liam shots him a glare.

“Shut up.” He growls right as the entrance door opens behind him and Theo hesitates with his keys in his hand.

“Theodore, you’re back” Liam says faking nonchalant surprise even as his eyes immediately scan the place ready for the enemy attack.

“Yes, I’m back.” Theo nods unsure, scanning the place too. “And you’re waiting for me outside the door? With...them?”

“No, no, they just happen to be here, we’re not together” Liam clears out as Brett makes a greeting gesture with his free hand, the other digging deep inside the popcorns. Nolan just keeps grinning expectantly like the madman he is.

“Does Mason also  _happen_  to be hiding behind that column with a baseball bat in his hands?” Theo raises his brows in that “ _I’m so suspicious”_  way and Liam turns to let Mason know through his eyes just how deep the disappointment he feels for him is, and that single second in which he lowers his guard is the one Doctor Disgusting chooses to attack.

“Hello, pretty boy.” Liam almost snaps his own neck as he turns back, while Theo just freezes on the spot as his ex appears right behind him. Liam doesn’t believe in teleportation, but there is less than the recommended distance of two million of miles between Theo and Doctor Disgusting now and before the split of a second can even think of passing, he’s by his boyfriend’s side. “Or should I say...Theodore?”

Doctor Disgusting smirks of that nauseating smile evil people have, looking right into Liam’s eyes, and his fate is settled.

“You brought a gun to a beetle fight” He says merciless as he slips his closed hand out of his pocket, raising it with deadly precision.

The dull noise of the beetle hitting Doctor Disgusting right in the forehead reverberates in the complete silence of the hall and everyone holds their breath in horror for an endless second that breaks the concept of time and space. Then Doctor Disgusting raises his brows unimpressed as he watches the beetle fall on the floor and run away towards freedom. Or towards Mason’s hiding spot, if the scream and the sound of a baseball bat falling to the ground are anything to go by.   

“That was it?” Doctor Disgusting asks sceptical and Liam gasps caught off guard because well, that was it. He didn’t take into consideration that this psycho could be so out of his mind to actually not be afraid of beetles. “Seriously,  _Theodore?_   You went from me to this guy? That’s low even for you, pretty boy.”

Plans are for people who can’t improvise anyway.

When Liam’s brain registers he at some point might have tackled Doctor Disgusting and that’s why they’re both on the ground now, his right hand is already socked in a warm, sticky substance and he’s not sure how many times he hit this asshole’s nose already, or why everyone is screaming so loud around him. He doesn’t like all that noise, especially because Nolan appears to be cheering him and he doesn’t want to live in a world where Nolan of all people cheers him, but he likes even less to live in a world where Doctor Disgusting’s nose still resembles a nose, so he hits it again for good measure, and then again and again and again, until there are a bunch of people in his personal space and he doesn’t start hitting every single one of them only because two strong arms are around his chest and Theodore’s voice is in his ear. He has no idea what he’s saying but it’s right there, his warm breath tickling his skin, so Liam still listens.      

When Brett and Mason manage to make him get up again an indefinite amount of time later, his face a mask of blood, Doctor Disgusting is not smirking anymore and he also stopped looking at Theodore all smug and superior, but Liam still needs to focus entirely on his boyfriend’s soothing voice in order not to go there and start it all over.  

When Mrs Jenkins suddenly enters followed by the police, Theo widens his eyes stepping in front of Liam, but they don’t even look at him and Doctor Disgusting is not smirking either when they handcuff him.

“They found two pounds of meth in his car.” Mrs Jenkins explains as they take him away.

“What?” Liam frowns confused, speaking again for the first time. “Oh, so he  _was_  doing drugs again after all?”

“No.” Mrs Jenkins denies very calm. “He wasn’t.”

Liam blinks.

“You better water my plants three times a week.” She smiles placidly before disappearing into her apartment. And Liam might just do that.

 

 

“Was the beetle really necessary?” Theo mutters eventually, a sharp edge in his voice waking Liam from his confused state.

“What?”  
“I thought it was  _our_  thing, you know. But apparently you just throw beetles at everyone.”

Liam gasps incredulous. “Are you jealous because I threw a beetle at your ex, Theodore?”

“No, I’m just sayin-”

“NOLAN HAS THE GUN, NOLAN HAS THE GUN!” Mason suddenly screams throwing himself behind his tiny column and it’s with terror that Liam turns back to find his crazy neighbour holding Doctor Disgusting’s shiny gun while spilling popcorns everywhere.  

“Yes, that’s right motherfucker! This condominium now belongs to us!” Nolan yells from the stairs and as he’s gesticulating frenetically and the gun trajectory lands on Liam, he screams in panic, throwing himself behind Theo.

 _“Liam, what the fuck!”_  He immediately protest trying to move away because being  happy to sacrifice yourself for your better half is only a thing in movies and books, good to know.

“They think you’re hot, they won’t shoot you!” Liam yells back, hugging him from behind to keep him from leaving him uncovered. Nolan will shoot him in no time if that happens.

“Mr Dunbar, what did I said about not screaming in the hallways?” Deaton scolds him suddenly appearing from upstairs.

“Seriously? HE HAS A GUN!” Liam points at Nolan indignant and Deaton’s eyes follow his index.

“Yes, guns are not allowed in the hallways either, but other people breaking the rules don’t justify you doing the same, Mr Dunbar. Last warning.”

“I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE!”

“I heard only you. You’ll be cleaning the elevator for the next month. Holloway, no guns in the building, I’m confiscating it.” Liam’s sight is actually compromised by his own indignation and he’s suddenly clinging to Theo with much more strength because he's about to pass out for how unfair that was, but he still manages to see Nolan placing the gun in Deaton’s hand with a pout. Good. Life is still unfair, but at least he’s safe.

 

“Liam.”

“Yes, Theodore?”

“Deaton has a gun now.”

“So?”

“How months of rent are you late?”

 

 

****

 

Liam doesn’t know what exactly pushed him off the edge, if it was Doctor Disgusting or the suffered alliance with all his most hated neighbours, but his time has finally come. A large part of him is still asleep and that’s why it’s so peaceful, as dying in your sleep is supposed to be, he imagines: Liam can distantly hear his own chocking sounds as the air leaves his lungs for good, but he doesn’t feel it. He knows he’s dying because Theodore, next to him, is whining softly, clearly horrified by his boyfriend’s premature departure from this world, but it doesn’t hurt. He feels fine, really. He knows he’s choking because the shaky, uneven breaths are impossible to miss, if he had to go only from the sound of it Liam would say he’s terrified, but he’s not, it’s like his soul already parted from his body and he’s now in complete peace. Actually, he was just dreaming something really nice about Scott turning into the most powerful werewolf to ever exist and he’d love to go back to his dream before actually dying, if only Theodore would stop being such a drama queen about it. Yes, fine, it probably sucks watching your boyfriend die asphyxiated next to you, but crying so loudly won’t help anyone and it’s also really egocentric: way to make Liam’s death all about him and  _his_  feelings. Not even during his own death Liam gets to be the only centre of attention, wow, just wow.

 “You’re ruining my death, Theodore, stop” Liam mutters bitter. Theo doesn’t stop because he’s so self absorbed that he’s not even going to listen to Liam’s last wish, even if the words were all perfectly recognizable and that’s what makes him open his eyes suspicious: how is it possible that his voice is so calm when his breathing is so laboured? Even in the darkness of the room, the answer is very simple now that he opened his eyes and it’s because it’s not his breathing, the erratic one. Turns out Theo is actually the one who’s dying.

 _“Fuck”_  Liam sits and moves his hands aimlessly on his boyfriend’s chest trying to remember what you’re supposed to do when someone is chocking, except, well, panicking, which he has already covered, and usually what Liam is supposed to do is sticking his hand into Scott’s throat and pull the bone out, but Theo doesn’t even eat fish if it’s not been perfectly filleted before, how the hell did a bone ended up in his throat? It doesn’t make sense and it takes Liam several other seconds to shake all the sleep out of his brain and convince even his racing heart that no matter how much it sounds like it, Theo is not actually chocking.

Liam never saw someone being so dramatic about a nightmare in his whole life.

“Theodore, come on,” He shakes his boyfriend by the shoulders, not particularly gently because the fact that he’s not shoving him on the floor for waking him up in the middle of the night is gentle enough in itself. “Hey, wake up. You’re not dying, stop it.”  
Eventually Theo’s eyes shot open but instead of apologising to Liam for giving him a heart attack for no reason he still proceeds to fake his own death, his eyes confused but still wide in fear and the air still coming out in loud, shaky puffs from his lips.

Liam takes pity on him and wraps his arms around his chest, shifting closer and pressing a kiss on his hair.

“It was a dream, Theodore, it’s okay.” It’s  _not_  particularly okay of course, because Liam has to get up early for work tomorrow morning and now his sleep is ruined, but what can you do.

“I...you’re fine,” Theo murmurs feeble, his hand weakly grabbing Liam’s shirt. “I saw...Brad, he-”

“It was a dream,” Liam repeats and all the moral scruples he possibly might have had for accidentally talking his crazy neighbour into framing an apparently innocent man immediately vanish. He hopes Doctor Disgusting will rot in jail until the end of time and he hopes jail is just as bad as Prison Break makes it out to be. “I’m okay, see? We both are.”

It’s another lie, because while Liam’s eyelids are violently rebelling against him and trying to drag him back to sleep, Theo doesn’t look particularly okay either, still disoriented and shaking, so Liam just keeps whispering lie after lie in his ear, telling him in a soft voice how everything is good and how he’s not tired at all and pressing random kisses on his boyfriend’s sweaty face and temple and hands until Theo’s breathing evens out and he finally stops blubbering about waking Liam up. When he lowers his eyelids, his head slowly lulled up and down by Liam’s breathing, he sees right away that what’s happening is bad for him, that not only his sleep has been abruptly interrupted, he’ll now have to try and enjoy the rest of it with a foreign weight on his chest, but Theo has just now calmed down and Liam really doesn’t feel like doing anything about it. So he just accepts his fate and keeps humming softly under his breath, drawing soothing circles on Theo’s forehead until he falls asleep again. 

Even then he keeps singing for a while, admiring pleased what he just accomplished: Theo is sleeping soundlessly and even if his hand is still closed loosely around Liam’s shirt, his face is relaxed and his lips slightly opened, not a worry in the world. He’s totally drooling as he always does because there’s no such thing as the perfect man, a wet spot slowly forming under his mouth, which  _ew,_  but he looks like an angel and he did that, Liam did that.

“Yes, that’s right,  _I’m_ the one who can sing, you fucker.”

Theo frowns and slowly opens his eyes, shooting Liam a glare from where his face is still buried in his shirt.

“Did you have to wake me?”

Liam didn’t  _mean_ to, but now that he did he wastes no time to slip his arm from under the dead weight that it’s his boyfriend, carefully moving his fingers to see if they’re still there. The burning tingle immediately claims everything from the elbow and down and Liam grunts annoyed.

“You were sleeping on my arm, they literally have to cut it off after it’s been without blood circulation for too long, you know?”

“That’s not true” Theo mutters swiping his drooling mouth dry on Liam’s shirt, because why not, sure.

“Do you want a boyfriend without an arm, Theodore?”

Theo shrugs, seeming satisfied with his swiping work and resting his chin again on Liam’s chest. “Doesn’t matter to me, I would still love you.”

“I wouldn’t.” Liam retorts immediately from the bottom of his heart. “If I lose an arm because you slept on it, I won’t love you anymore, let’s be very clear about it. You make me lose a limb, Theodore,  _any limb,_ and we break up.”

“Why are you loosing limbs as we speak now, stop being so dramatic.”

“Excuse me?” Liam gasps affronted. “You were  _choking_ because of a nightmare two minutes ago, don’t call me dramatic.”

“I wasn’t choking, shut up.” Theo pouts adjusting himself better on Liam’s chest before shooting him an expectant stare. “Can I sleep here or will you have to do heart surgery in the morning because of it?”

“I don’t particularly recommend it since we have a perfectly good mattress and you should try to use it sometimes, but yes, you  _can_  sleep there, if you really need to.” Liam stares back. “Do you? Really need to?

“Yes.”

“Fine.” Liam sighs tiredly. They’ll have to make him saint one day or another. “I guess I’ll pet your hair then. Since I can move my arm again.” You never really appreciate your arm mobility until you lose it.

“You do that.” Theo nods, as if Liam needed his permission.

The room goes quiet again, Theo closes his eyes and Liam plays with his hair long enough to actually fool himself into believing they’ll actually sleep now, but he’s not that lucky.

“So,  _we_ have a mattress.”

Liam frowns, meeting Theo’s very much awake eyes staring right at him from his chest. It’s a bit creepy, trying to sleep when there’s someone looking at you like that in the shadow, but not as scary as that one time Liam woke up with Scott’s black eyes staring right into his soul two inches from his face.

“Did you hit your head somewhere? I’m not taking you to the hospital until morning, I’m telling you.”

Theo huffs, as if Liam was the one not making sense. “No, I mean, you said we have a mattress. Not you, we. Together. As if this was  _our_  mattress. Did you mean, like...” He bites his lip, suddenly nervous. “Do I live here?”

“You live downstairs, Theodore” He reminds him, already resigned. He’ll just have to grab a pencil and draw his boyfriend a map of their condominium at three a.m., that’s how this ends, mark his word.   

“I’m aware” Theo evilly pinches his hip in retaliation because domestic violence is where they’re at now. “What I’m saying is, you clearly think we  _both_ own this mattress, and you also gave me your apartment key the other day, and we sleep together every night, so...are we basically...you know, do we-”

“Mason actually owns the mattress.”

“What?”

“I stole it from him. When he kicked me out of our old apartment to be all lovey dovey with Corey, fucking traitor, I switched it with my mattress shaped brick without him noticing.” Liam grins proudly. Mason did notice eventually, but only after he already helped Liam to move all his stuff, mattress included, in his new flat, and there was nothing he could do at that point because he would have needed Liam’s help to move it back in his apartment, since Corey could lift Liam’s place as most important person out of Mason’s life but he couldn’t lift a mattress. “This one is just so comfy, isn’t it? It’s because it’s in memory foam, he paid a lot of money for it. I actually see the point in being asleep and not dead since I have this. It takes the shape of-”

“I don’t care about this stupid mattress.” Theo interrupts him childishly because of course he never once in his life had to sleep on a mattress so hard the floor looked like a good alternative.   

“It’s literally good for the health of your back Theodore, how can you not car-”

“How can I not care?” Theo’s cheeks are all red now as he clearly gets heated up and Liam bites back a laugh. “How can  _you-”_

 _“Oh my god yes,_  we obviously live together Theodore, we’ve been living together since the first time you took Scott out for a walk by yourself, stop obsessing. Like, you literally changed my curtains because you didn’t like the color, what did you think we were doing, god.”

Theo gasps and opens and closes his mouth several times without making a sound, like some particularly stupid fish out of water. Then he buries his face in Liam’s chest again and if at first it looks like he’s hiding from the embarrassment, he’s actually attacking him like a coward, biting him for no reason and making Liam squirm under him. “There were holes in it because your beetles  _ate_  them, it wasn’t about the color.”

“Oh,  _my_  beetles, I see how it is.” Liam scoffs, massaging his wound. “You almost cry because I call this mattress ours but the beetles are all mine, sure. You’re just a gold digger.”

“My mattress is in memory foam too, stop it.”

“Gold digger.” Liam insists merciless and Theo finally shuts up.

He almost makes it this time, his eyelids lowering slowly on his tired eyes, their quiet breathing the only sound in the world, the dream he left before almost welcoming him back with Scott’s bright red eyes when the weight on his chest shifts again and then a pair of warm lips are on his, a tongue licking slowly inside his mouth and a hand running through his hair.

“Should we live together in the same apartment?” Theo asks when they part with a sloppy sound and Liam just blinks. “Like, should we just pick one flat and stop paying two rents since we’re already only using one at the time? If you even pay rent, that is.”

Liam blinks again, thinking, and Theo stays perfectly still for all the thirty seconds he takes.

“Which one?”

“What?” Theo asks but he already let out a little puff of relief, so he knows what.

“Which one do we pick?” Liam specifies anyway and before Theo can answer he makes it clear. “Because I can’t live in front of Mrs Jenkins.”

“Well, I can’t live in a flat that was once invaded by beetles.” Theo mutters just to be annoying, going back to his nest on Liam’s chest.  

“She is  _dangerous,_ Theodore.”

“She is a lovely lady, always  offering me her cheesecake every time she makes it.”

“She probably puts poison in it.”

“You ate it too just two days ago.”

“That’s because it was  _morning_ , I always want to die in the morning, of course I’ll eat poison.”

“My flat is also larger and the furniture is all new” Theo counters back, bragging. “Yours was here before electricity was even a thing.”

“My kitchen has an amazing acoustic, I can hear everything that happens on your balcony as if I was there.”

“You can still hear everything that happens on my balcony if you’re actually on my balcony. And,” Theo raises a hand to stop Liam’s already on his tongue reply. “My flat is where you kissed me for the first time.”

He grins satisfied, clearly convinced he just won this thing, and Liam gasps taken aback for a few second before finding his voice again.“Well, Scott made that somersault in mine.” He points out victorious: people kiss for the first time  _all the time_ , a dachshund doing a somersault?  _That’s_ memorable.

“Oh yeah, the one that nobody except you saw, right.”

“It  _happened,_  okay?” Liam growls back, because it was  _at least_  an incredibly scenic fall, and Theo accepts his defeat.

“Still, you literally fell in love with me in my apartment.” He mutters after a while because he’s not accepting shit apparently.

“You too” Liam points out bitter because what the hell does that mean, it’s not like he did it all alone, he was _tricked_  into it.  

“Nope” Theo smiles simply and Liam is so close to headbutt him when he continues and makes him die inside. “I actually fell for you right on the doorway.”  

“Oh my god, stop being cheesy Theodore, it’s disgusting.” Liam forces himself to say when he finds his voice again, his ears so much warmer than they were before. “Just fucking sleep now. We’ll throw a coin tomorrow.”

“Fine.” Theo closes his eyes with a sigh. “But I choose head.”

Liam frowns before rolling his eyes.  _Head and cross_ , what does he think they are, children? “That’s not what we’re doing, I’ll throw a coin at you and you’ll throw it at me. Who leaves a mark on the other first gets to decide. Goodnight now.”

“Goodnight.” And then, just to confirm once again that it’s not, infact, a good night: “Can you sing to me again until I fall asleep?"  

Liam considers it. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because.”

Theo hugs him and Liam closes his eyes for the umpteenth time that night, with little to no hope at all. He’s not stupid and only after several minutes of silence he finally lets himself believe that maybe that’s it, sleep is back to be an option. Only then Theo raises his head again, a little grin curving his lips.

“Hey Liam.”

“Mh?”

“I have a proposal for you. An easy job you can do from home. I’ll pay you and you’ll sing for me every night, that’s it. I’ll give you five dollars.”

Liam wants to be mad, really, but he finds himself smiling.

“I offered you twenty, you asshole.”

“You absolutely didn’t, but twenty it is then.” Theo laces his fingers together under his chin, staring up at Liam with his stupid adorable smirk. “And you have to call me boss.”

Liam starts singing just to shut him up.

 _“Wise men say only fools rush in_   _  
__But I can't help falling in love with you_

_Shall I stay?_ _  
_ _Would it be a sin_

_If I can’t help falling in love with you?”_

Theo smiles on his chest, blushing. Fucking dorko. The best five dollar Liam ever spent in his life. Not counting that time the snack machine broke and gave him those twelve pack of Oreos, that is.

 

 _Darling so it goes_  
_Some things are meant to be_  
_Take my hand, take my whole life too_  
_For I can't help falling in love with you_

 

 


End file.
